Last year when we were planning a trip to the States, a Javanese friend asked, “Will you be arranging your son’s marriage while you’re there?”
Her question caught me off guard. Collecting my thoughts, I tried to explain. “No,” I said. “In my culture that’s the decision of the children, not the parents. They themselves decide whether they want to get married or not and whom they will marry.”
“No, no!” a university colleague who had overheard our conversation admonished, wagging his finger at me. “I don’t agree with that. It is the duty of all parents to make sure that their children are happily married.”
Never assume that people in other cultures see things as you do! Apparently it had never occurred to them that even though love may be universal, rules of courtship and marriage are amazingly varied around the world. In cultures that value individualism and independence, children are given the freedom to choose their own partners and live with the consequences. In group-oriented cultures like Indonesia, children are taught to maintain close ties with the family, conform to its needs, and be loyal to it in exchange for the security and support it provides. Although traditions are changing, the family is still the basis of the individual’s identity in Indonesia and very much involved in the decision making process when it comes to dating and courtship.
As a rule, parents here expect their children to marry and have children. As a single woman living in North Sumatra, I was frequently asked if I was married or not. When I responded “tidak” meaning no, Batak friends would shake their heads and say “belum” (not yet), for certainly someday I would be getting married. If I attended a wedding reception, I would be seated in a special room along with all of the other single people present. Among the Bataks at that time, full adult status was reserved for those who had married and become parents.
Since marriage is the norm in Indonesia, young adults are often pressured by family members and friends to get married – if not for their own sake, for the sake of their parents who are longing to have grandchildren. In cultures that promote individualism, there is less pressure to marry for the sake of pleasing others. As long as the partners are of age, they have the right to decide by themselves if they will marry, whom they will marry, and when.
Finding a Mate
How people seek a lifelong partner varies greatly in a country like Indonesia which is made up of thousands of islands and over 300 ethnic groups. Since most schools are coeducational, though, children have the chance to interact, learn about each other, make lifelong friends of both genders, and find their own marriage partners. In a country like India, on the other hand, arranged marriages are much more common. Shopping for a daughter’s future husband becomes serious business as different men are considered by the relatives. “He’s too dark,” one might remark, or “His parents would demand too high of a dowry.” For some young Indians, being told whom they are to marry works well, but for others who have never attended co-ed schools and have had little contact with the opposite sex, it can be very traumatic. I well remember the tears of a teaching colleague in Rajahmundry, Andhra Pradesh who was to be married off to a man she had never met. Customs are changing, though, and nowadays families allow their children to have more say in the matter than they used to.
In Sumatra and Eastern Indonesia, clan membership is an important factor among certain ethnic groups which allow marriage between linages. In societies without linage descents, love marriages are conventional. In our area of Indonesia, dating is common, but not as free as in the West. Before a man asks a woman out for a date, he is usually expected to obtain the blessing of the woman’s father first, even if she is an adult.
Popping the Question
Becoming engaged is an individual affair for most Westerners but a family affair for most Asians. Customs vary in a country as diverse as Indonesia, but no Indonesian man would likely do what American athlete Will Claye did when he celebrated his silver medal in the men’s triple jump by leaping into the stands at the Olympic stadium, getting down on one knee and proposing to his girlfriend. Nor would an Indonesian woman rush home exclaiming, “Hi Dad! I’m engaged!”
In our area of Indonesia, when a couple decides to marry, a formal ceremony called “masuk minta” (literally “go in and ask”) is arranged. How the “masuk minta” ceremony is conducted depends to a large extent upon the ethnic groups involved, but usually the groom’s parents, select relatives and spokespersons, wearing traditional garb and bearing gifts, go to the bride’s home to officially ask her parents for her hand in marriage. If a dowry is required, as is often the case in Sumba, it is usually the groom’s family that pays, not the bride’s as in India. The details are hammered out ahead of time between the two families before the wedding.
The following pictures were taken at a “masuk minta” ceremony at which we served as family representatives for the groom a few years ago in Salatiga. The bride’s family was Javanese and the groom’s Timorese.
Her question caught me off guard. Collecting my thoughts, I tried to explain. “No,” I said. “In my culture that’s the decision of the children, not the parents. They themselves decide whether they want to get married or not and whom they will marry.”
“No, no!” a university colleague who had overheard our conversation admonished, wagging his finger at me. “I don’t agree with that. It is the duty of all parents to make sure that their children are happily married.”
Never assume that people in other cultures see things as you do! Apparently it had never occurred to them that even though love may be universal, rules of courtship and marriage are amazingly varied around the world. In cultures that value individualism and independence, children are given the freedom to choose their own partners and live with the consequences. In group-oriented cultures like Indonesia, children are taught to maintain close ties with the family, conform to its needs, and be loyal to it in exchange for the security and support it provides. Although traditions are changing, the family is still the basis of the individual’s identity in Indonesia and very much involved in the decision making process when it comes to dating and courtship.
As a rule, parents here expect their children to marry and have children. As a single woman living in North Sumatra, I was frequently asked if I was married or not. When I responded “tidak” meaning no, Batak friends would shake their heads and say “belum” (not yet), for certainly someday I would be getting married. If I attended a wedding reception, I would be seated in a special room along with all of the other single people present. Among the Bataks at that time, full adult status was reserved for those who had married and become parents.
Since marriage is the norm in Indonesia, young adults are often pressured by family members and friends to get married – if not for their own sake, for the sake of their parents who are longing to have grandchildren. In cultures that promote individualism, there is less pressure to marry for the sake of pleasing others. As long as the partners are of age, they have the right to decide by themselves if they will marry, whom they will marry, and when.
Finding a Mate
How people seek a lifelong partner varies greatly in a country like Indonesia which is made up of thousands of islands and over 300 ethnic groups. Since most schools are coeducational, though, children have the chance to interact, learn about each other, make lifelong friends of both genders, and find their own marriage partners. In a country like India, on the other hand, arranged marriages are much more common. Shopping for a daughter’s future husband becomes serious business as different men are considered by the relatives. “He’s too dark,” one might remark, or “His parents would demand too high of a dowry.” For some young Indians, being told whom they are to marry works well, but for others who have never attended co-ed schools and have had little contact with the opposite sex, it can be very traumatic. I well remember the tears of a teaching colleague in Rajahmundry, Andhra Pradesh who was to be married off to a man she had never met. Customs are changing, though, and nowadays families allow their children to have more say in the matter than they used to.
In Sumatra and Eastern Indonesia, clan membership is an important factor among certain ethnic groups which allow marriage between linages. In societies without linage descents, love marriages are conventional. In our area of Indonesia, dating is common, but not as free as in the West. Before a man asks a woman out for a date, he is usually expected to obtain the blessing of the woman’s father first, even if she is an adult.
Popping the Question
Becoming engaged is an individual affair for most Westerners but a family affair for most Asians. Customs vary in a country as diverse as Indonesia, but no Indonesian man would likely do what American athlete Will Claye did when he celebrated his silver medal in the men’s triple jump by leaping into the stands at the Olympic stadium, getting down on one knee and proposing to his girlfriend. Nor would an Indonesian woman rush home exclaiming, “Hi Dad! I’m engaged!”
In our area of Indonesia, when a couple decides to marry, a formal ceremony called “masuk minta” (literally “go in and ask”) is arranged. How the “masuk minta” ceremony is conducted depends to a large extent upon the ethnic groups involved, but usually the groom’s parents, select relatives and spokespersons, wearing traditional garb and bearing gifts, go to the bride’s home to officially ask her parents for her hand in marriage. If a dowry is required, as is often the case in Sumba, it is usually the groom’s family that pays, not the bride’s as in India. The details are hammered out ahead of time between the two families before the wedding.
The following pictures were taken at a “masuk minta” ceremony at which we served as family representatives for the groom a few years ago in Salatiga. The bride’s family was Javanese and the groom’s Timorese.
In Indonesia, a couple does not become engaged in private but in public, in front of the family. Depending upon local customs, the “masuk minta” proposal ceremony and the engagement ceremony might be combined, or the formal engagement ceremony might be held at a later date.
Indonesian engagement ceremonies are defining moments for the family and important social events for the community. My next post will describe and include pictures of several engagement ceremonies we have attended - including our own!
Indonesian engagement ceremonies are defining moments for the family and important social events for the community. My next post will describe and include pictures of several engagement ceremonies we have attended - including our own!